Each year I typically look back on my past year’s resolutions and rate myself on how well I held up. Although I enjoy this process of reflection this year I am not going to grade myself. I’ve been reading this book called The Birth Order Book, and it’s opened my eyes to how self-critical I am. As a firstborn I am a bit of a perfectionist. In the past I wore my perfectionism as a badge of honor but now I understand how unhealthy it actually is. Long story short, I think forgoing the self grading this year is a step in the right direction.

Now onto my resolutions!

This year I wanted to focus on enjoying the process in all aspects of my life, resting more and not just when my body forced me to, and staying grounded in my faith.

Enjoying the process is such a process in itself. I have been working hard to reprogram re way my brain works for a few years now. I’ve always been a results driven person. I love the feeling of setting a goal and then pushing until I reach the finish line, typically sooner than expected. And once I do I immediately move on I the next thing if I haven’t already (chronic multi-tasker over here). As I have gotten older the satisfaction in achievement has waned at times. I even went through a period of nihilism where everything seemed a bit pointless. That’s when I had to step back and think more about the deeper mission of achieving goals I set. I began to realize that no achievement is remarkable without appreciation for the effort that went into it. And even more importantly no end goal is worth Much if all the time spent reaching it is lost as either a blurred or stressful memory. In short, this year I have been actively trying not to begrudge all the steps between me and my objectives. I am trying to reflect each day as I go through the process of learning and growing and it makes those end goals feel less important and all the small wins along the way are the ones I get to cherish.

As for my resting resolution, I definitely need more work in this area. I have decided that the theme of 2020 will be rest for me once again. One great stride I made was in understanding my unhealthy relationship with rest and the guilt I feel when taking it. I began listening to the Stressproof podcast and in one episode the host, Susan Choi, talks about achievement addiction. I immediately realized that I had that. As Susan describes it, a symptom of achievement addiction may be the “your sense of achievement once reaching your goal is short lived, you minimize your achievements to yourself and others and say it’s really no big deal, you never feel at rest and often feel restless, (and more…).” I certainly lean toward feeling restless, minimizing my accomplishments, and chasing the next checkbox. Over the years I have noticed this in myself and I think this is in part where the guilt for resting or spending my time “unproductively has come from.” And while I have somewhat settled the restlessness and checkbox chasing, the inability to rest still remains. All that to say I am going to keep working at it because I know just how important turning off is to the creative mind, spiritual mind, and physical body.

My last big resolution was about faith, and I think that deserves a post on its own so I am going to save my thoughts for another day.

If you liked this resolution report card, check out my others from past years here. And you can see my visual summary of 2019 below with more detail on instagram.