2022 Reflections

2021 was a year of deep grief and growth for me. 2022 was my year of budding and patience. 2023 will be a true test of how much of that growth I can apply to my day to day.

This year has had a lot of “down time” while I was sick or just limited by pregnancy. This time allowed me to reflect on what matters most and the limitations showed my what is actually a “requirement” in my life and what is non-essential.

Recently, I happened upon “Kolb Learning Styles” which a theory that there is a 4 stage process to truly learning something: experience, reflection, learning, experimentation (and then back to experience). The experimentation, or as I like to think of it implementation, piece is the part I think I can miss out on at times. But it is the critical part where you take what you learned and apply it to your life. For instance last year I learned that I try to control so much of my life to create stability due to my unstable upbringing. And that often works for me, but at times I try to control what is uncontrollable and that can lead to suffering for me. So in 2022 I have been trying to identify what is worth trying to control and accepting what isn’t.

Along those lines, next year I truly want to implement the practice of putting in effort and then letting go when I have done all I can and trusting that my effort was enough. My 2023 word of the year is Release. I know that parenthood is going to come with some many things outside of my control. I am going to be working with a little human and partner with their own ways of doing things and I anticipate acceptance of that might be tough for me initially. But I am making it my goal to release the stranglehold I try to have on life and take things as they come. I want to summon the wisdom to know when I need to step in and when I can let others step in (or maybe even not). There might be a lot of “letting go” in 2023 and I am excited to see how that changes me.

My hope is that this year I will release the tension in my jaw, my expectations, the tight hold grip I have on my life and embrace all the unknown that is to come. I’m want this next chapter to feel like an exciting adventure. Much like when I started my business, I think becoming a parent will be this new exciting challenge I am totally unprepared for but eager to figure out. Only unlike with my business the goal will be to enjoy each day and try not to look to far down the line at specific end goals.

Home Right Now

I have so much appreciation for the little home we’ve built. This year is full of transition and challenges, but having a sanctuary to navigate it all from is truly a blessing of my own making. 2021 has been the first year where I have slowed down enough to truly appreciate my present. I haven’t had the mental save or desire to constantly look toward the future or next accomplishment. It’s a liberating feeling to look around and not only feel I have enough, but everything I have wanted. That’s not to say all my ambitions are out the window, they just aren’t as urgent as they once were. I know that I time they will come with my small everyday efforts, and in the meantime I can just savor where I am right now.

On Taking Breaks, Part 2

Five years ago I wrote a post on taking breaks, how important it is for me and what I do to refill my cup when I take one. With a half decade of distance between that past version of me then and me now, I have some new thoughts on the importance of breaks.

Last week war broke out in Europe, that in itself is a loaded statement because truly the full scale invasion of Ukraine by Putin has been coming for 8 years. With this invasion comes a multitude of other systemic issue brought to the surface for examination. How society’s dependence on fossil fuels is paying for this war and contributed to inaction since the aggression has started. How racism and white supremacy is playing out in real time with no effort to even veil it. And blatant hypocrisy in American politics, ready to mislead and divide in a moment where the urge should be to unite.

World events like these, especially ones distant where I feel I have very little I can do to influence an outcome always bring a sense of hopelessness for humanity. At least for a while. But these are the times that I am reminded to step away from my curated algorithmic bubble that is social media, and dive into myself, my community, and the things in my environment I can have a hand at bettering.

I believe world peace starts in each individual. It begins with eradicating hate and prejudice in our own hearts. I continues with our actions wishing our own families and communities. Peace is a rebellious and ongoing act that will require each of us. And I for one cannot do this kind of continuous act with out taking time away from the continuous scroll, the constant intake of media and “hot takes,” and reflect on how I show up in this world to help make it the tiniest bit better. All this to say, I have been taking a break from social media and anything else that feels like a distraction. Instead I have been having dialogue with those I trust, processing my emotions and fears, and educating myself. All of these feel like fortifying acts so I can continue to show up in my own unique way with hope and energy for a better future.

Gratitude Pages no. 3

Another round of things I have jotted down in my gratitude journal lately.

This week’s gratitude journal glimpses:

• Incredible authors who pen stories you can get lost in. Lately I have been reading more and it feels incredible.

• The way the afternoon light streams into the house and gives me a second burst of inspiration near the end of the day.

• The changing season, I have been pulling out my sweaters and coziest clothing and it feels great to shop my own wardrobe.

The Gift of Presence

I’m laying on the beach, having just cracked open another book about minimalism, when my husband who left just moments ago enters my periphery. I notice a huge smile on his face as he outstretches his arm to me and drops two cold, wet rocks into my hand.

“There’s lots of rock over there. We’ll go together when I get back,” he says before heading back to the ocean.

My whole body feels with warmth and I admire the beautiful stones. These are the moments that I live for. The things that really matter. What is missed when I am not living in the present. What a gift his little reminder was. A gift of his attention and thoughtfulness, but also a gentle reminder to myself to be here, now.

Gratitude Pages no. 2

Another week of 2021 gone and all I can think about is how is September nearly over? Even the start of the year is a blur much less the spring and summer.

Another few glimpses from my “journal” this week:

• The courage to start fresh. Specifically, choosing to move to California four years ago, but also in so many other ways.

• A quiet home. I love the peace. I grew up in a big family so I was used to noise but I much prefer a bit of silence.

• Options. Sometimes decision-making can feel like a burden, particularly the big life decisions. But in actuality it’s a privilege to have options. To have autonomy to direct your life as you wish, what a gift to have options to do and to try.

Affirmations of the Week

It was recently suggested to me to try out affirmations. I have to be honest, the thought of saying affirmations out loud to myself made me uncomfortable (although I love reading others’ on Instagram like the one below). And for that reason alone I wanted to examine why, first by trying them out.

My personal affirmation of the week:

I am tender yet resilient. I am precisely where I ought to be and what a beautiful place it is.

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A post shared by Faith Broussard Cade (@fleurdelisspeaks)

Gratitude Pages no. 1

Back when I was in college, and severely homesick, I started keeping a little journal with bullet points of things that made me happy each day. When I got sad I’d pull it out and read back how beautiful the little life I was creating was. I think without this small practice my homesickness would have resulted in me dropping everything and heading home.

I was thinking about this recently, and about the many times I have added gratitude practices to my daily routine. They are a powerful way to change your thinking over time, require your brain to focus on the beauty in front of you and find a way to push though difficult situations. I don’t have any particular reason to get back to gratitude journaling aside from it make me feel good, and I really love the thought of future me looking back on them. I really wish I still had 17 & 18 year old Gina’s first gratitude journal. I’m sure it would be full of things like, “my friend Christine brought me a cookie from the cafeteria” and “I got an A on my English assignment.” Little memories that meant so much to me at that time.

All that to say here is are some snippets out of my “journal” for September 20th.

• My slow mornings. Taking the time to pace myself has helped set a calm tone to the day.

• Seeing a friend this weekend just to talk and hang with her new pup. Bliss.

• Affirming text messages from my sister, who intuitively knows just what to say when you need it most.

Climate Anxiety

It’s gloomy in LA today, and given that a lot of the US is facing extreme heat I am not complaining at all. I can’t lie, watching climate forecasts that I have studied, or even simulated myself, come true is anxiety inducing and disappointing at a magnitude I have nothing to compare to.

I was recently told that anxiety often comes up when I am trying to control something out of my control. The remedy is to accept what I can’t control (apparently). But with something like climate change, how do we do that without becoming apathetic?

It is well know that those working in the climate field have a high burn-out rate. At least among my colleagues in the US. Often passion quickly turns to practicality, and before you know it you are a professional appealing to the most common denominator to get anything done.

For someone like me, idealistic and stubborn, working on climate policy solutions hard career. I was effective, I knew pretty early on that career would have an expiration date. Ambition and creativity are great traits, but persistence and patience are more valuable. I personally moved out of the public sector in favor of a potentially faster moving, more innovative entrepreneurial pursuit..

It’s gloomy in LA today, and given that a lot of the US is facing extreme heat I am not complaining at all. I can’t lie, watching climate forecasts that I have studied over the past decade+ come true is anxiety inducing and disappointing on a whole new scale. I was told recently that anxiety often comes up when I am trying to control something out of my control. The remedy is to accept that I can’t control it apparently, but that’s really hard when it’s an issue I spent all of majority of my life learning about and actively working to remedy. Today instead of dwelling, I am going to focus on the small thing within my control. Focus on what right in front of me. Recount all the progress made, even if it isn’t quite enough. And keep forging ahead.

Today instead of dwelling, I am going to focus on the small thing within my control. Focus on what right in front of me. Recount all the progress made, even if it isn’t quite enough. And keep forging ahead.

The Smallest Satisfaction

My morning rituals have shifted slightly this season. I still find myself moving from rooms to room opening the windows and letting the daylight in. But I save our patio doors for last because just beyond them is my little self made haven of a patio garden. 

I’ve pretty much always lived in cities (NYC, LA, and even DC for a stint), and the fact that there are parks and green spaces throughout plus my family of houseplants tided over my desire for my own green (or greener) space all these years. But in the midst of lockdowns last year a private sanctuary outside the walls of our apartment became a priority, so we moved.

At first out narrow patio was just a beige stuccoed trough hanging off the outside of our building. But over time with the addition of a couple chairs, some plants, and outdoor tiles it became an urban oasis. Each morning I open the curtains and from behind the glass spy on my plants, trying to identify and changes from the day before. Excited to find new growth or greet the little creatures scampering through the foliage. But before heading outside I put on water to boil and grind coffee beans, still lurking on the potted blooms scattered across the exterior wall, table, and floors. Eventually my morning pour over is ready and I can move on to my most exiting ritual of the day, watering.

Somehow watering my outdoor plants became a routine I love, despite being resistant to it at first. I have been used to weekly or less frequent watering schedules for my houseplants, and even those I held on loosely too. But the cottage style flowers in their terra-cotta planters are not patient enough to be watered on my schedule. If I skipped a day or two they would tell me in their depressed appearance, quickly dropping flowers. And the seeds I was patiently awaited to sprout would remain dormant. So I made it my duty to water them each morning before I treated myself to coffee. Its and intimate thing, watering in the still of the morning, getting to know how much each plant requires, how much sun they likely got the day prior based on how the soil looks and feels today. It’s meditative and slowing. And now I couldn’t imagine a better way prime myself before taking my morning coffee. Sitting quietly in front of bushes of grateful flowers and optimistic seedlings, satisfied that if nothing else happens today I cared for something outside myself but for myself.

Comparisons for Happiness

This year I have been reflecting on how the life I am living now was once just a dream for me. It’s a simple life, but when compared to other phases in my past it astonishes me how far I have come. This is a new perspective for me though…

A few months ago I became so fed up with my constant rumination on goals and ambitions that it was muddling my mind to the point of depression. I had become so focused on the future, in part because of the pandemic, that I could not appreciate where I am right now. My restlessness had become too much, I was constantly feeling rushed to get further in my life, speeding past this present phase. Fortunately, I recognized this feeling was making me unhappy and started the inner work that was needed.

While achievement is such a large part of my personality and life motivation, I recognize there is a dark side of it for me. Years ago I began practicing mindfulness because I can get so fixated on the future that I miss current life. And once I reach that future, I am yet again overlooking it to get to the next stage. I’ve never wanted to fall into the trap of never being satisfied with life. Instead I want to live a life full of appreciation for where I am at every stage and not simple when I’ve “made it.”

The way I cultivate this is by actively and intentional looking around me a speaking (often out loud) the things I am grateful for. At times it is simple the way the light is reflecting on the walls or the blossoming tree just outside the window. Other times it’s the peace and quiet of my home, or a beautiful piece of furniture I use daily. Or maybe it’s a meal I’ve prepared or the person in sharing my time with. When I stop and look around there are endless things that are right in front of me that I am so appreciative of. And the beauty of this practice is before long it happens subconsciously, my mind has quickly become accustomed to seeing what I have as opposed to what I don’t.

And when the gratitude doesn’t come so easily I compare my present, not to my future self or others, but instead to my own past self. I have so much that I have accomplished, and when I stop to think about it I can physically feel the pride well up in my body. I feel proud that I, as a Black mixed-raced woman worked my way through college, eventually and unconventionally received a graduate degree from an Ivy League university, built a fulfilling career and later bootstrapped a business, created stability for myself, found a healthy partner to build a life with, created safe home filled with laughter and love, and done the years of inner work to heal past traumas and manage my anxiety. These things, and more, when listed out are far more impressive than the bigger house or early retirement my mind may be focused on.

When I compare where I am today to me one year, 5 years, 10 years ago and more I can’t help but look around and realize I am enough just as I am.

Glimpses

Seven photos that are a quiet reminder of the little joys of life.

Restorative Routines

Since starting to feel the fatigue of the pandemic I have chosen to focus on micro moments throughout the day that can help restore me, and not wear me down further. One daily activity of mine is my morning coffee pour, which I have written about before.

Focusing on the little things that being me joy helps me not dwell on the bigger picture that feels a bit uncertain and overwhelming. It' brings me back to my mindfulness practices that have taught me that a life is made up of many little moments. And a happy life is just cultivating happiness in each little act.

Pandemic Fatigue?

I read this on instagram and immediately connected with the sentiments expressed.

Written by Donna Ashworth

Lately I have had less focus and energy than my usual self. Less motivation as well. I figure it is fatigue from this past year for grief, stress, anxiety, and caution. I am grateful everyday that I am doing okay, life is better than it could have been. I am safe and healthy. But my gratitude for these things doesn’t eradicate the fatigue. So I guess as the saying goes, I’ll just keep taking it one day at a time.

What I Have Been Up To Lately

One year after major pandemic lockdowns and life is feeling a little mundane, even for this home-body introvert. Here’s what I have been up to lately in a collection of images I am about to delete from my phone…

Golden hour shining on my work-in-progress sofa refresh.

Cosy-ing up my home. Since we moved to this new apartment last October, I have been looking for a new couch that fits the space. Our old Ikea Kivik was the right size, just not comfortable enough for us for hours of state-mandated at home lounging. Plus the cover, while practical, was just too dark and rough on the skin. After way too much hemming and hawing, plus frustration of not being able to test sofa’s in person (for obvious reasons) I decided to do what I should have done in the first place. Make do and DIY my dream couch. This is a sneak peak of the transformation, the full reveal will likely be ready many months from now if I ever get up the stamina to break out my sewing machine again.

Top view of me juicing carrots in my favorite (also only) apron.

I finally purchased a juicer a few months ago. The whole blending and straining process got old really fast. Honestly, this was a worthy investment and I am barely even bothered by the number of parts that I have to assemble, disassemble and wash. 2019 Gina may have said something like “who has time for all that,” but post-2020 Gina, well thats a different story.

My first glass of self-juiced apple juice. Can you tell how proud I am from this photo? Also, there is a chocolate cake under the bowl in the background of this photo. Balance.

I have also been learning Arabic recently. It’s amazing to be learning something new and prove to myself that this 30-something year old brain can in fact learn brand new things as complex as a new language. It’s slow going but it feels like such a wonderful investment in myself these days.

Close-up of a recent puzzle I assembled.

I picked up puzzling sometime around the holidays late last year. It started with a single 1000 piece Wysocki puzzle and that was all it took for me to become obsessed. This activity brings me so much focus and peace (when I first typed this I spelled it “piece,” I told you, puzzle obsessed). It’s a perfect activity for my overly active mind because I am able to single-task letting, hours pass my in what feels like just minutes.

Me, sitting on the bed looking in the mirror on one of the warmest days of 2021 thus far. Wearing my Two Days Off Indya Tank and Safia Midi Skirt.

And lastly, I have been working a lot. Of course. Just over here keeping my business afloat while also trying to nurture the hundreds of ideas in my head without losing my sanity. Something I have been trying to remember when I feel the self-imposed pressure is that there is no playbook for entrepreneurship, and certainly not one for running one during a pandemic. So I can feel liberated because that means I can play by my own rules and do what feels right.

Saturday Hike Style

It’s Friday and all I can think about is the weekend (anyone else!?). Last we I went with my partner on the most lovely, impromptu hike. I realized how quickly being disconnected from nature for too long jostles my brain and my priorities so this weekend I am looking forward to more offline time in the sun.

What I’m Wearing:

Eileen Fisher Cashmere Silk Bliss Sweater

Old Everlane Skinny Jeans (note: I no longer shop at Everlane for a variety of reasons)

Jenni Kayne Canyon Boots in Stone

Anxiety is caused by thoughts about the future

I was once told:

Worry is like a rocking chair. You go back and forth and back and forth but you never get anywhere.

It's so true, but how do we break the cycle of panic and worry? While doing my morning pages (a stream of consciousness journaling exercise I do most mornings) I came to realize that all of my anxiety was coming from knowing too much about this coronavirus crisis and overthinking it. I mean to say that if it were spreading and we didn't know I wouldn't be feeling any anxiety at all, I'd be in blissful ignorance and all my stress about it wouldn't exist. But we, fortunately, do know what is happening and yet I am using this information for both good (preparedness) and bad (overthinking and panic). Instead of going the overthinking route I am trying to instead just take the information we have and take preventative measures (additional handwashing, social distancing, stocking my pantry, supporting my family and community) to make the situation better. 

Yesterday I listened to Stressproof, episode 55. This podcast is quickly becoming one of my favorites. Susan Choi, the host, said:

During anxiety, on a subconscious level, we are resisting a possible future reality which keeps us stuck in the loop of anxious thoughts. 

This resonated with me so much. Susan explains that a lot of our anxiety stems from future-thinking and running through the multitudes of possible futures, and then rejecting the negative ones even though they haven't happened yet.

I have decided to let go of all that stress and the uncertainty of the future and treat it a little more like all the other uncertainty that exists in life that we are typically unaware of on a daily basis. This doesn't mean pretending like what is happening isn't. But it means accepting that the future isn't certain so I may as well do the little I can and be present in the now. 

10+ things I like do when I am feeling stressed

With the current coronavirus outbreak, it seems like most of the battle is maintaining a healthy mental attitude. Admittedly this has been very hard for me so I have a few small acts I go to when I need to beat the mental overwhelm.

• Turn off all devices. I find a lot of my overwhelm is from information overload and the easiest thing for me to do is unplug from my phone, the podcasts, and any other source of external info for a little bit.

• Power nap. Sleep can cure just about anything.

• Take a shower. I don't know what it is about taking random showers in the middle of the day, but for me, they seem to wipe the slate clean.

• Go for a walk. Fresh air, hopefully, some sunshine, getting the body active. A walk almost always gives me a fresh perspective on things.

• Do a few stretches, maybe even a 10-minute yoga flow. I love these from Fightmaster Yoga.

• Make a cup of tea and sit down with a book. Escape into another world, get your brain focused on something else. Sometimes a healthy distraction is the way to go.

• Call my grandma (or anyone who lifts my spirits). 

• Journal. Sometimes I need to dive deeper into the negative feelings and getting them out on paper helps me look at my thoughts as something separate from myself, something less emotional.

• Meditate. If you meditate do it, if you don't know is a great time to learn how. I started meditating with Headspace and their basic course to get started is free to all.

• Ask for a hug. This one could be thought for those of use social distancing alone, but a hug (even virtual ones) from people who care always lifts the spirits and reminds me of all the love in the world despite it all.

• And if all else fails, binge watch Hyori’s Bed and Breakfast on Netflix. This show is the most relaxing thing on Netflix. I wanted to become a homesteader after watching it! And I swear you cannot be stressed while watching it.

Mindful Pours

I have been sharing my morning coffees on Instagram for a few years and recently I took it to a new level with little videos in slo-mo of what I call “mindful pours.”

I have shared before how my coffee routine was one of the very first mindful practices I implemented in my life. It became a consistent time to reflect and take it slow in my day, and starting the day off this way has been invaluable to me.

Last week when I shared one of these slow pours in my Instagram stories I received a message from someone saying how it made them feel happy and also impatient. When I read that I immediately connected with the impatient feeling. I love these short videos, I even feel entranced by them most of the time. But often, especially towards the end I start feeling an urgency for it to end and I have to fight the urge to click through or swipe the video away so I can move on to the next thing. I sit there in a slightly uncomfortable place and think about why I am rushing this experience and then wait out the next few seconds.

I only share this because I find it interesting that something I do specifically out of enjoyment and to take a few moments for myself can be hard for me even still. Depending on what life state I am in I can be more patient or more hurried. And maybe the Hurley will lessen as I strengthen my mindfulness muscle, or maybe it is okay to not to always be in the moment immediately if I am able to quickly recognize when I am not and pull my self back here.

Labor Day 2019

I am sitting on the beach right now about 20 minutes from home and I am so happy I made it here. I was one decision away from deciding to spend labor day in the studio all day getting ahead of a short work and travel week.

It is so easy for me to choose work over rest and recreation. Ironically the whole reason I work is so I can have more rest and relaxation in the future. But what my mindfulness practice has taught me is that the most important thing is the present and taking time to rest and enjoy now is more important than attempting to secure it in the future.

Okay, now I am putting down my phone and getting back to watching the wave and feeling the breeze on my skin.